What is a ghost? Isn’t it an entity of something that once existed? Can ghosts exist if the human is still alive? Wouldn’t that make it a memory instead? Maybe that’s why they say memories can be haunting. I think a ghost isn’t only something that remains after a human has died, it’s also what remains after they’ve left your life. That’s what a memory is: a ghost of what once was. Maybe that’s what nostalgia really is: that feeling when you remember a scent or a place. Sometimes I see ghosts, and all the time my memories haunt me.

I don’t know why I’m here the way I am. I’m not sure what’s happening to me or why it’s happening, but I feel like there’s no point to it all. You know, this town started in 2008. It was built to house me and my thoughts, away from the world, away from everyone else. I see views on these posts, yet I have no idea who’s reading them. They have no idea who I am.

All the money I have, the cars, the houses, the friends, I still hide away here. In the dark, I type. I type how I really feel. I would have ended my life a long time ago if I weren’t a believer in God. There’s no reason for me to exist here. What is the point of it all?

They say, “If you don’t know, then don’t worry,” but it’s the not knowing that worries me. One day you can have it all, and the next you can have nothing.

There’s nothing that will keep me here, nothing that will make me want to remain anymore. I feel it inside me, I just want to jump and let go, fall all the way and keep falling, hoping no one catches me. I don’t want to be saved. I don’t need saving. You know there’s still pain inside me. The smiles and the happiness are fake. But wait, if they exist, they have to be real, don’t they?

Maybe I’m as real as my reflection. You can see it, but that’s all; you can’t feel it, you can’t touch it. I’m as real as a shadow. It’s there, you can see it, but that’s all you can do. You can’t feel it, nor does it exist in the three-dimensional plane.

That’s the difference between where I am in my head and where I am physically.

I hope that one day everything will make sense. But maybe that day will never come…

ibzzie xx

loud noises

 The loud noises don't stop. How tiring that may be for him, for all of them. I can't help but feel sorry for those that have less than me. Mentally, not physically nor monetary. I tend to melt when i see an old couple walking together or when i look at my parents struggling to do every day things. I cant help that will be me one day, with no one look after me with nothing to look forward too. What I am doing today. As I sit in this cafe, tearsdrip down my face to be caught by my rough beard typing on a laptop that belongs to the man, working for one of the largest comanies in the country yet i still find my self asking "who am i" what am i doing here" why am i here".

Is there a reason i cry when i see someoe else struggle? All i have been seeing is struggle, my whole life. From my own reflection to my own country, to my own people to those around me that i dont even know.

How much longer can i keep this up for. I think I am finally realising my issue. The issue is that i put up a facade to ensure the fake me is projected to the world. I hide away my real feelings, my real pain. I think there is a reason my favourite colour is black.

I miss those days so much. I miss my dogs, I miss my house. I miss everything that I had. I know I will have it again but I had it once and there was no reason for me to loose it all. Its been two years since then. I am not healed. I am far from healed. Do I have to pretend to be healed to make others happy. What is this power I posses. When I am upset the whole world around me is.

I am tired.

It's Been A While...

 

It has been. I am not sure why it has been so long since I have been here. I think maybe becasuse I am happy. I only say maybe because I dont know what happiness feels like. I dont think I do. I thought I knew what happiness was but that hurt me. Now this is happiness but I am confused deep down cause I feel like this might not be the way I am meant to be feeling. Nothing really has changed to be honest. If you think about it what really has changed? My surroundings and my job that's about it. I am meant to feel happy and meant to feel good about where I am right now but how is that possible, how can I be happy and be the way I want to be when all I feel is constant push back.

goodbye friend

 

I am here forever. Stuck with nowhere to go, sometimes I think I am happy to be where I am but in reality, I am not. This fake facade I have up, everyone around me laughs at my jokes, everyone around always says that I am so happy, so funny but really I am always sad, always depressed. I heard that being depressed is the body's way of going into "deep rest" so it can reset and start over from the fake facade we have up constantly.

The majority of comedians suffer from this. They are always funny on stage and in front of people but when they are alone they are the most depressed of humans.

I don't think I can keep going like this, I have to be honest with myself and know that holding back everything and not opening up to those around me is taking its toll.

It's funny how my life takes a turn for the worst and yet here I am, still standing on the same two feet that have carried me through every obstacle I have faced in my 33 years on this planet. I still cry every now and then, randomly at times and at times when I remember certain parts of my life.

I have tried to seek help to no avail, and yet I continually ponder if it is possible to erase a memory. They say to erase a memory do not do things that remind you of a certain time in your life. I say, how is that possible when everything reminds me of that time in my life.

Do I just live with this pain forever in the hope that it goes away over time or do I just end it all now?

I have tried so hard to be normal, to be like everyone else, but I can't. The search for a reason haunts me every day, every single day I wonder why.

I can remember when I would write in my TV room with the smell of weed traveling through the room and the sound of Lo-Fi in the background, my thoughts, tears, and feelings will all be poured onto a page like a glass of juice being filled up.

Sometimes I want to be alone, and when I am alone I am sad. But this is going to sound weird, when I am alone I am sad, and when I am sad I am happy.

I don't understand myself so how can I expect you to understand me.

I need to be away from everything and everyone. Alone, to find myself, to find who I am, to find what I am and why I am here.

What is my purpose, what is my goal? Everywhere I go I make people happy, they love being around me the joy I bring them, the smiles, the laughs, and the happiness but when I retreat to my quarters I am so sad because I do not feel like I have someone to make me happy the way I do to others.

There's a saying "If you do not like being alone, then the person you are being alone with needs work".

I don't believe anyone my age should have gone through everything I have gone through yet here I am, typing away on a blog that no one will ever read. 

This is me leaving my little input into a world of darkness, maybe one day in the future someone will read this and I will have helped them conquer their depression, and their feelings and hopefully answer their questions.

To say I miss you hurts, to say I miss certain times in my life hurts, to remember hurts, to close my eyes hurts, I wish I could forget, I wish I could not remember, I wish nothing reminds me of you. I wish I could sleep peacefully at night without waking up to haunting memories of you. 

The good and the bad times, no closure here just words and thoughts. I hope one day you remember as I do and I hope that when you do that you finally understand me and what I was about.

But for now...

Leave me here...

ibzzie xx

applesung

 hello friend. it doesnt feel like i am typing but i am. feels weird right? that this is the life i will be living for ever. i feel so strange like i am going to be forever stuck in a world that continusaly repeats its self and that not matter what happens i will not be able to shake it off. this is like a companion blog. i have to go and figure things out for my self. all i do is live when do i rest am i allowed to rest who says i can and cannot. i think i have a fear of being a failure because all i heard growing up was that i am a faliure and i now know why i am the way i am when it comes to hearing other people feelings its because when i would tell my parents how i felt they would only listen to repsond they would never actually listen to my feelings and try to understand why i am the way i am or try to make me feel better. i remember this now its so clear. remembe rwhen you would tell them that the way you were feeling and they would alwaysing thing you were attachkin them when in facy all i was doing was expressing my emotion and that when i did to that they would always so here we go oh your being this and that and now i do the same thing. jeeeez the after effect your parents have on you is real and ever lastering

$100,00

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still nothing has changed legit she is still the same.

ahh it feels good to write again or is this typing? does this still count? you know what i mean.

its funny how i am wlays trying to change the world its also funny how i get told that i will change the world but when i do try to change the world i get told to stop making people think the way you think.

see the paradox here?

i missed typing my thoughts, i miss the town of sorrow i think this is the same right?

20172018201920202021

I am still trying to make it grow. I never know when it will all be gone. What has changed? I have changed. Not mentally but physically. She has stripped me bare. She has taken my flesh, my brain, my soul, and everything else. Not my heart though, see that skeleton up there, that's me. I have kept my heart close, that's the only thing keeping me going, if she takes that, I die. So I will bury it and water it every day. I am just trying to make it grow.

Looking back nothing has changed, she still has the same mindset, same attitude and, same anger. She says it's me, I say it's her. So who is it? The circle comes around in full, when I look at photos of years past the comments and the words are still the same. There is no control nor is there any respect. 

Should I write her a song, would she even care? She has the same personality as the woman who..... well you know who but no matter what I do or achieve she won't be happy, she doesn't know what happiness is, do I blame her? do I blame her past? why not just get the fuck over it and see what is right in front of you. 

If seeing a father and daughter be happy makes you sad because your father was never there for you then won't that also be the case when you become happy now you will start to think about the trauma you had growing up about how you were never happy hence why you cannot show happiness or don't know how to be happy?

ahhhh fuck I'm rambling again, or am I? fuck it let's rhyme, I think it's time.

I don't know how I feel

I can't tell if it's fake or real

you don't know what's the deal

it rains so much outside 

it feels like tears on my window seal

What is luck

is it not what we make it

or am I just star-struck?

wait fuck. 

I was struck 

and now

I'm just stuck 

inside my own walls

that I built

for when I run

out of luck

fuck this it sucks

no music

no creativity

just downright slavery

I see it

they see it

you don't

and you know what

you won't

cause what they wrote

is not what you note

down

no matter what who when where

I wouldn't dare

I would die for you

kill for you

move mountains for you

but next day move ounces

do whatever it takes to make

some ounces, to get paid

don't even get laid

the way I want to

the way we need to

but who knows what

cause at the end of all this

you and I will be nothing but

dust and shit.

how many times do I tell you to let it go

how many times do I tell you to free your mind

free your soul

how many

will you ever let it go

will you ever become me

D R K N Y T

but wait that's my problem

remember

trying so hard to make everyone

around me

like me

but I guess

I have my own way

of changing this world

trying to not make it so cold

tell me what would happen

if your wishes came true 

would you turn blue

would you become you?

I tell you to make it right

before you sleep

before you eat

cause every second that leaves

is a second that you might grieve

what you gonna do when you can't sleep

what you gonna do when you cant eat

what you gonna do when I am not there

to rub your feet

to watch you eat

to help you fall asleep

let it go

cause it has never left

you just have to change

take it out of low range

learn how to shift

learn how to drive stick

fuck it ill go there

go where

go here and there

listen we ain't shit

going to make sure this

doesn't miss

It's a rhyme, not a diss

not everything is an attack

you see that's what you lack

when others write music

those listening realise

that the song its self isn't a hit

but its a bottle holding a message

remember when shit hits hard

when shit I say make you feel scared

just know

that it hurts me more to say it

then the pain you feel

ahhh lost it towards the end

but this is all I have got for now.

nothings changed and nothing ever will.

time heals all wounds

but the wounds don't tell the time

it took to get where i am now its time

for the hook.

ibzzie xx

Always Tired

I am tired of  Earth. These people. I am tired of being caught in the tangle of their lives. Every day their seems to be an issue. Every day their seems to be a problem that we cannot shake off. Every day we tune in and absorb this fake information. We change our feelings without being able to talk about our feelings. We conjure up lies and emotions just to make each other feel okay. We try and pursue happiness where happiness doesn't exist, why?. Why do we continue to move around? Why do we push through adversary? Why do we continue to go to a job we hate? What is the purpose of all of this?

What if the meaning of life is find your true self and to no long hide behind a facade of insecurities? I think humans need to be woken up by hard hitting truths from a loved one that would send them through a spiral of denial until they realise what has happened.

I have not written in a very long time. Well I have but not like this. The old school way of having music loud on my TV whilst I sit on the floor and write my thoughts. Write the bleeding words from my heart. I feel like I have been clogged up with so much to say but no one to say it to. You always listen, don't you? I remember when I used to write here no one knew about this, no one had any idea that behind the fake smile, tattoos, cars and everything else I am, that I am just a scared and fragile man who has built this wall around his brain to keep everything and everyone at bay.

Well what happens when the man in question, my self, is on the verge of loosing everything he has. Does he knock these walls of fear down and allow feelings to come in? 

I am so good at telling everyone else what to do when they ask for advice. Humans come to me when they need advice, they come to me when they are lost and they come to me to talk. But when I need to talk where do I go? I come here.

Here is my blog. I know no one reads these so I feel happy knowing that my thoughts are out there for anyone to read. It's sort of like a letter in a bottle. You know the one? Where sailors will write a letter and put in a bottle and throw it in water. Some never are found and some are found 1 year to 100 years later. This is what this blog feels like.

8:56pm on the 14th of September 2019. Its a Saturday night. I sit here alone whilst my other half is in the shower. Whilst she ponders about me and about what she is doing with me. Sometimes I ask my self the same question, why is she with me? I am damaged goods. I don't need you to feel sorry for me I just need you to see that when I type here the voice in my head stops. When I am alone with music the voice in my head stops. It feels focused on a common goal, now this goal is to finish this and to write how I am feeling at this very moment.

When I am alone I can hear the sounds of my self inside me talking to my self. I built this voice to help me get through my fears. My fears of being alone. I never had anyone to talk to growing up so I spoke to the only person that was always there, my self.

It actually feels so good to write here, it feels like I am helping my self with every letter I write, with every letter I push on my keyboard I feel re aligned.

Let me tell you how it feels like when I am alone, this is the best way to describe it. Get a pen and a paper. Now from the top of the paper draw a line but move the pen from one side of the paper to the other side of the paper till you get a zig-zag sort of line. Now do another line from the opposite side of the paper with the same zig-zag pattern. If you have done this correctly you should have two zig-zag lines overlapping each other. That's how it feels in my head, it feels confused, fuzzy, disjointed and unaligned.

When I write here I feel that the voice in my head and my actual voice are aligned together. They become one. I feel like I am my self. I am not scared to be here. There is no judgement here. Well I am sure there is by some random that is going to read this but heck! what do I care, I don't know them. 

I have never actually explained how it feels to have this voice inside my head. I feel some relief to have actually opened up and explained that.

When I am alone I am scared, I am scared of loss. I am scared of the unknown and even though this whole time you all think I wasn't, that is because of the wall I built to keep the voice at bay.

I need to welcome the fact that I am not sane. I think the big thing for me is knowing I need help but thinking no one can help me except me. I am arrogant to think that anyone out there knows me as well as I know my self and I strongly believe that this is the problem. I am scared of help, I hate to admit that I need help. Because asking for help in some way makes me feel weak, makes me feel that I am not man enough to sort out my own problems.

But what I am being a "man" for? I am no longer single and with the "boys" to have this bravado about me. I know its time for me to change and to no longer hold onto what I am afraid of but to accept it. Accept the fact that its okay to be wrong. Its okay to be scared and its okay to not know it all.

I think also for me I am so ahead a lot of people that I feel when someone says something I dismiss it thinking they know nothing and that I know it all because I have been through so much and that no one can truly understand what I go through every day with the voice in my head.

When that is SO wrong of me. I need to understand and accept the fact that other know more than me and that others will be able to help me. Asking for help isn't weak.

R U OK? I feel so strongly about asking everyone around me that question but I have never stopped and asked my self. I have never looked into my self and tried to sort out my own demons when instead I punish and blame everyone around me which in turn leaves me alone.

A lot of people in my past have said things about me that made me ponder about my flaws and instead of fixing them I became defensive and stubborn and made my self believe that I am right and everyone else around me is an enemy and they are out to get me.

This comes out with tangents of speaking and not making sense, this comes out in ways of my "i don't give a fuck" attitude" and in my persona to other humans.

In fact I give a fuck about a lot of things but I am so scared of admitting it because I feel like I will be judged like less of a man. Crazy aye? I know it is. I know it makes me sound really mentally unstable but I am doing the first thing I think is correct by admitting my faults for the first time in 29 years and now wanting to work towards making my self better. Like fuck me dead I am almost 30, I am not 19 anymore. I have to step up and admit that this voice, my voice has been an issue for me and it has gotten the better of me.

Why though? I have been alone, I mean really alone growing up and this voice helped me. I remember times even when I am with my friends out and about I felt alone. Is this depression? I remember being with them and speaking to my self on the inside thinking about what we are doing at that present time in life. Where are we? Is this what life is? I couldn't help feel sorry for them whilst I was with them. I felt as if they were blind and I was the only one that could see the really issues around us. The real issues that were making the world burn.

Synesthesia - As I write this I have music on. Always when I write I have music on. Not your Katy Perry or Taylor Swift shit I have lo-fi beats on or just beats in general. I feel as the beats progress my writing progresses. You can tell when I get really dramatic in my writing it means the beats have just become really intense and when I get chilled out the beats have mellowed out. I see colours, shapes and stars whenever a 808 kicks, whenever a snare is hit or whenever a drum kick is kicked. I think its amazing I can do all this and all I have to do is close my eyes or even have them opened and just listen.

My other half asked if I wanted a salad. I rejected it. Not because of anything I just have not been hungry today. I might roll up and smoke before I go to sleep but I have barely eaten today. You know the voice feeds on my insides and I feel that when I fast it goes away a bit. I am not feeding the beast.

You know my life humans have gravitated towards me. I have been told that I am special. I have been told that I have a special brain. I know I do and I know that I am. I just cannot be alone because when I am alone as you now know it is not good for me mentally.

Do you think I will look back at this post years from now and reminisce about how I was feeling at the time. Smoking on what I just rolled making me feel healed. Allowing me to cope and write for the very first time in this house just like I used to. High, Music and a computer. Writing my thoughts, writing the pain that is inside me. The pain of living with a voice inside that does't know when to stop. You know I came up with a little rhyme that went like:

"You don't know what goes on up in here (Points to side of head, I smoke all this weed to silence the voices you don't hear"

As I have explained to you before about why I write. Now let me explain to you why I smoke.

I feel that rhyme is the best way to describe why I smoke the reefer. Why combine the both because to me this is pure medicine. Add lo fi beats in the background and I feel like I have a cure. I have not done this in so long that I have been feeling so out of it. You see now next few days I will be 100% fine. No anger, No attitude, No arrogance, No arguments. Until I have to write again. I am going to make this a habit to continue to do this. I am sorry I think this past year has been crazy for you and me and the voice inside. I didn't know that I can actually go sit alone in a room and just type. I always thought I had to be "Around" you know. I feel like cause of you showing me that its okay to do me that i actually can now.

Listen baby, I know you will more than likely read this without me telling you anything, fuck well I hope you do. I know its rough being with me, always with me, always around me. I know its tough. Trust me I do. I know I have said all this before and now your thinking "fuck here we go again" but look at all this I just wrote. I don't even know if half it makes sense its just my rambles. Now ask your self will a sane man do what I just did? Say what I just said and write what i just wrote. The way i wrote.

Know this and know it whatever or forever here's hoping its the latter. I dont love you. I adore you. I am devoted to you. I think the world of you. 

Think it aint true?
Well, fuck let me show you.


Written with Sarah Jordan in mind and heart.



ibzzie xx

Melancholy

If this is a timeline of whenever we fight you would see that it happens once every few months. Some say this is normal other will say it is not normal. Some will blame it on her some will blame it on me. She will blame it on her time of the month and I will blame it on my mood elevations.

I am dressed smartly today. I will go sit on the bench and stare into the heads. I will watch The Nieuw Holland sail through. 

Do I own this life to take it? If i don't take it who will?

Why is my condition not looked at with prevalence. Am I not suffering just as you are? Why can't you not do what you do on the back of what is happening inside me?

Maybe because mines isn't diagnosed or is mines just a joke condition that isn't taken seriously. Maybe I should go get a paper from the men in white coats to prove to you that I have what I have and I am not lying or exaggerating or making assumptions or being passive aggressive or playing the victim or speaking with tone or being rude or being condescending or making you feel like little or making you feel like a maid or doing little things that you think other wise or anything else I have missed. Maybe with a paper from them you will understand the seriousness of this.

Or maybe when its all gone you will notice then. Maybe when good is gone you will realise what you had.

Always that about this place for many years but have kept it at bay. I have never been there as I am scared I will not return. I heard it calls your name when you are there for those that feel the way I do. I have been told these voices are of those that have left from there. I have been told there are letters engraved into the seats, walls and tables there of their last words.

I have been told that there is something creepy about that place but I have never been. I have been too scared. But now I ask what am i scared of?

Whatever will be, will be. 

I am inevitable...

Binaural

So I am here again. This isn't my town anymore as you know I have broken free from that. I think I have have become a lot better with my self. I feel that I have changed for the better.

Sometimes I see through humans. Sometimes I can feel what they are going to say before they say it. Sometimes I can feel their breath as if it was my own.

I have been told before that I have a special mind, not by one person but a few. Do people not see that now? Has time changed so much and has social media killed our views to see what is special?

I know I am different, not just by the way I dress, act or talk. Not even by my skin colour or beard but with the way my brain works, with the way I think and the way i articulate my self.

In Chinese philosophy, yin and yang is a concept of dualism in ancient Chinese philosophy, describing how seemingly opposite or contrary forces may actually be complementary, interconnected, and interdependent in the natural world, and how they may give rise to each other as they interrelate to one another.

You see instead of spending five to ten minutes explaining/arguing something to another party as to why you don't want do something maybe save time, save energy and save peacefulness by saying "If it means that much to you then I will do it".

My brain waves are different to other people. The memories I have and keep are different from other people. I can feel a memory that I know never has happened because it is impossible to live in Space but I remember being there I feel like it was real. Maybe in my past life my soul lived there and now I am remembering it through my human self.

I have always asked the question as to why Seven Billion of us are here. Why do we need to exist? If we stopped existing wouldn't Earth survive without us? I think it would be even better.

My brain hurts at times, my heart hurts also but I know my soul isn't hurting because hurt is a physical feeling that can only be felt physically.

One day my soul will leave this body and will find a resting place. I will finally see those souls that have left here again and become one with them again.

The when of life is a fascinating thing. The unknown of living, what will be of tomorrow or the day after. No one knows but the future does exist and if the future is as real as the present then surely it is a place that we can get to.

One day, I know this will make sense but for now I will wait and continue to wait to see what happens.

Because we are here for a reason and whatever that reason might be the answer doesn't necessarily have to be on Earth.

The answer might be at where we came from. I think we should look to where we came from to answer why we are here.

How do we get to where we came from? To take what has been given to us to be here in the first place, this is life.

Not taking suicide nor taking death but allowing it to natural occur once our organisms expire.

Once they do we will know the truth.


ibzzie xx

revolution

What have you become? Today in 2019. This is the most amazing time to be alive, but I ask again, what have you become?

You sit at a table before with food in front of you and before you say grace, fuck it even if you don't believe in God, you no longer stare at your food and wonder what you are going to eat, think about where it came from and what it is going to do to you once you eat it. You instead pull out an extension of yourselves and start to take photos and with the same device you send messages and make phone calls to you friends who are nowhere near us. You discuss whether the photo looks good and then you send it to platforms, so the world can see. After all this is done you then consume the food.

You stare into a little eye on this device swiping left and right finding a filter that makes you look better and then when you find this filter you will just stare into it play with your hair, blink and smile. After this you then send it to a platform so the whole world can see.

What are you? What have you contributed to society? Are you becoming dumber as a race? Are there going to be any more professors, scientists or inventors?

You have declined into what? No more respect amongst any of you, regardless of race or gender it has all gone.

You base judgements on someone depending on their likes, followers and popularity amongst the others of you based on artificial feelings towards one another, can you not see that this is not real? That these likes, feelings, red love hearts and blue thumbs are fake. They do not exist in the real world or are you already becoming one with the fake world, one with the artificial world. I can see you becoming artificial intelligence.

What if this is what is going to happen? What if you do not build artificial intelligence but become them? Turning into them over years and years of using them that they will consume you and then eventually turn you into A.I. The battle will then break out against those whom have yet to turn and those who have turned.

What if all those zombie movies you watch that have humans “turning” into monsters is happening now? In the movies all the zombies have a common goal which is to eat brains and kill humans. What if you are a zombie now feeding off the likes of others which in turns give you energy in the form of dopamine.

What have you become? How have you transformed from hunters and gatherers that use their bodies the way it was meant to be used but now you have become a new form a being.

An Artificial Being…

ibzzie xx

KV55

In history more often than not whom ever enters power and wants to change the natural order of the system is right away ridiculed.

Take for example the Egyptian pharaoh Akhenaten. He came into power and wanted to change the Egyptian peoples ideology from Polytheism to Monolatry worshipping the God Aten. During his 17 year reign majority of the Egyptians did not agree with this thought and were very unhappy with the change from what they have been following for so long.

Why is this though? I believe it is because humans are creatures of habit. They do not like change from what they have initially been taught. Think about this for a second. If the Egyptians have been told from the start that Aten was the King of Gods and to only worship one God and then Akhenaten came into power and told them to believe in multiple Gods the same outcome would have occurred. The Egyptians desecrated his tomb and coffin after his death, they wanted to ensure that the future civilisations did not know about his ideas and thoughts of Aten. They went to great lengths to ensure that his ideology was not passed onto future Pharaohs by chiselling away at the paintings, his coffin and burning his papaya.

Think about it, humans are animals of routine once something occurs that shakes their daily routine they become frustrated, angry and annoyed. They do no adapt to new ideas easily. That is why they fight. That is why they go to war. To ensure an idea is spread or stopped. Humans do not have it in them to fight or to kill. Humans are made to love and to become one with their surroundings.

I have seen it all before, it feels like I have lived in it before. Humans living happily all together in unity ensuring their love is spread through out universe, not just Earth but their connection to the Stars, Galaxies and Planets.

If we started from a Big Bang that caused millions and millions of Stars to bond together then are we not just particles that need to bond with one another to continue to grow.

Think about the Universe is constantly expanding never shrinking then we should do the same, we should constantly expand and never shrink by killing one another, by never fighting or hurting one another.

Imagine if all humans on earth all held hands together at once, imagine the energy that will be felt running through our veins. 

The power of One is not a strong as the power of many.

I have memories that I don't remember...




ibzzie xx

L H G

Hello friend. Doesn't it feel weird being Numb. If you define "Numb" it is "deprived of the power of physical sensation". Think about that for a second, let it sink in for a bit.

I always tell everyone to sit and stare at them selves in front of the mirror, to re connect with them selves. Not when you are doing your hair, not when you are doing your makeup or brushing your teeth but just sit and stare doing nothing stare intro your own eyes, stare at your own skin and let your self feel your self. Know how that feels. I know it sound weird but try it and then you will understand what I mean. Question your self and analyse every part of your self believe that you can leave your body and explore what is out there. Know your self before anyone knows you. Love your self before anyone loves you. You need to know how these feel before anyone can show you how they feel.

Think about this for a second. We all have souls inside us, Our bodies are just the vessel to carry the soul. When we sleep the soul leaves our body and we stay asleep. When we wake up the soul returns to us and we go about our daily life. We see through our eyes but it is in fact the soul seeing not us.

This is a natural ability we have because we are souls inside of a human body. So being in the "Astra" form is close to our natural state.

You can be present in your dream. Astral projection is just being fully aware of the experience we have every night. When we're dreaming we become unaware of this world and fully focused in whatever world we're in. You're still on the astral plane in a dream. Why do you think souls that are in the spirit world can visit you in your Dreams? Yes, those dreams are very real a lot of people who knew you from your past lives visit you in your dreams just to check up on you. In my opinion dreams, lucid dreaming and Astral Projection is all happening in the same place it's just that when you're dreaming you're not fully aware of what's happening. In my opinion the reason why, dreams do not seem like Astral projection is because it's like being drunk or on drugs in our real world You're just not fully aware but you're still in the real world.

Imagine leaving and not coming back, travelling the galaxy and seeing what is out there. Imagine looking back at your self whilst you sleep and knowing that is your body, your vessel. We have become so disconnected that we cannot picture this nor do we believe in its existence, people laugh.

How my mind works no one will ever understand, I see the unseen, I feel what cannot be felt, I know tomorrow today.

The answers you seek are not here, they are out there. Look at your self, know your self and understand that you are really inside something called a "Body" out of this body you will be able to disconnect and explore the real world.

For me I will be out there, somewhere...

ibzzie xx

12

12 letters are all it takes and yet it feels like moving mountains to achieve what we want. A common goal.

So, it seems to be a reoccurring thought of ours that we are here united under one everything but cannot unite anything.

Are we destined for this? Think about it deeply 7 billion on a mote of dust living, breathing, moving and creating energy. How with time have we become stupider with all that is available to us we now express how we feel through a touch screen. We give up so easy, we become fed up so easy, we have started to hate repeating our self, we have started to dislike the circle things go in, we have started to forget about all the good when a small bad occurs, we started to forget about all the love when a big bad occurs. Have we been programmed to hate, has hate truly won event against those loved ones?

Is it possible to be re programmed to the way it is meant to be? To a time that no matter what happens and no matter how hard it gets and no matter how many times someone must repeat themselves love remains the same. We have become a race that will express love in one way but then express hate in another. We have become someone we are not. We are not destined for this.

Something is going to happen.

I have always known I am different, now I know why…

ibzzie xx

Aokigahara

How about this, does this fit the scene? Not being able to see what is actually happening around us remaining concealed within the dark not being able to be seen lingering. We all can feel it it unites us does it not?

Lets look at it from 149.6 million km away, how would it look? would it look the same? From that distance nothing will look the same nor will it feel the same or think the same so why at this current distance that we are living every day does it seem so foul? is it that the further you are the easier it is, that it gets better with distance or time?

Some where out there people enter and never come out, they go there to do what they feel needs to be done. I think that they feel they will be free for ever. Maybe that is right maybe this is all fake and the only way to be free is by letting go. 

You will never be free until you free yourself from the prison of your own false thoughts. 

ibzzie xx

town of sorrow

Fuck. This is a new me a new way to express my self a new way to show what I can do. I have broken out of my town and it no longer exists. it burnt down and can never come back. its been good out here. travel on a road now out of the town trying to find a way back home. a car is going to pass me i might stop it and ask for directions i might not. 

what is out here? what is out there? where to go from here? where will i be tomorrow? what is around this bend.

all this does really make me happy it has taken time but has made me happy. i truly believe that everything has happened for a reason and i have remained strong through it all. not much would of done what i have done but regardless i have done it and i am here now. happy.

took 27 years but i have finally gotten out.

i think...


ibzzie xx