What is a ghost? Isn’t it an entity of something that once existed? Can ghosts exist if the human is still alive? Wouldn’t that make it a memory instead? Maybe that’s why they say memories can be haunting. I think a ghost isn’t only something that remains after a human has died, it’s also what remains after they’ve left your life. That’s what a memory is: a ghost of what once was. Maybe that’s what nostalgia really is: that feeling when you remember a scent or a place. Sometimes I see ghosts, and all the time my memories haunt me.

I don’t know why I’m here the way I am. I’m not sure what’s happening to me or why it’s happening, but I feel like there’s no point to it all. You know, this town started in 2008. It was built to house me and my thoughts, away from the world, away from everyone else. I see views on these posts, yet I have no idea who’s reading them. They have no idea who I am.

All the money I have, the cars, the houses, the friends, I still hide away here. In the dark, I type. I type how I really feel. I would have ended my life a long time ago if I weren’t a believer in God. There’s no reason for me to exist here. What is the point of it all?

They say, “If you don’t know, then don’t worry,” but it’s the not knowing that worries me. One day you can have it all, and the next you can have nothing.

There’s nothing that will keep me here, nothing that will make me want to remain anymore. I feel it inside me, I just want to jump and let go, fall all the way and keep falling, hoping no one catches me. I don’t want to be saved. I don’t need saving. You know there’s still pain inside me. The smiles and the happiness are fake. But wait, if they exist, they have to be real, don’t they?

Maybe I’m as real as my reflection. You can see it, but that’s all; you can’t feel it, you can’t touch it. I’m as real as a shadow. It’s there, you can see it, but that’s all you can do. You can’t feel it, nor does it exist in the three-dimensional plane.

That’s the difference between where I am in my head and where I am physically.

I hope that one day everything will make sense. But maybe that day will never come…

ibzzie xx

loud noises

 The loud noises don't stop. How tiring that may be for him, for all of them. I can't help but feel sorry for those that have less than me. Mentally, not physically nor monetary. I tend to melt when i see an old couple walking together or when i look at my parents struggling to do every day things. I cant help that will be me one day, with no one look after me with nothing to look forward too. What I am doing today. As I sit in this cafe, tearsdrip down my face to be caught by my rough beard typing on a laptop that belongs to the man, working for one of the largest comanies in the country yet i still find my self asking "who am i" what am i doing here" why am i here".

Is there a reason i cry when i see someoe else struggle? All i have been seeing is struggle, my whole life. From my own reflection to my own country, to my own people to those around me that i dont even know.

How much longer can i keep this up for. I think I am finally realising my issue. The issue is that i put up a facade to ensure the fake me is projected to the world. I hide away my real feelings, my real pain. I think there is a reason my favourite colour is black.

I miss those days so much. I miss my dogs, I miss my house. I miss everything that I had. I know I will have it again but I had it once and there was no reason for me to loose it all. Its been two years since then. I am not healed. I am far from healed. Do I have to pretend to be healed to make others happy. What is this power I posses. When I am upset the whole world around me is.

I am tired.

It's Been A While...

 

It has been. I am not sure why it has been so long since I have been here. I think maybe becasuse I am happy. I only say maybe because I dont know what happiness feels like. I dont think I do. I thought I knew what happiness was but that hurt me. Now this is happiness but I am confused deep down cause I feel like this might not be the way I am meant to be feeling. Nothing really has changed to be honest. If you think about it what really has changed? My surroundings and my job that's about it. I am meant to feel happy and meant to feel good about where I am right now but how is that possible, how can I be happy and be the way I want to be when all I feel is constant push back.