I am here forever. Stuck with nowhere to go, sometimes I think I am happy to be where I am but in reality, I am not. This fake facade I have up, everyone around me laughs at my jokes, everyone around always says that I am so happy, so funny but really I am always sad, always depressed. I heard that being depressed is the body's way of going into "deep rest" so it can reset and start over from the fake facade we have up constantly.
The majority of comedians suffer from this. They are always funny on stage and in front of people but when they are alone they are the most depressed of humans.
I don't think I can keep going like this, I have to be honest with myself and know that holding back everything and not opening up to those around me is taking its toll.
It's funny how my life takes a turn for the worst and yet here I am, still standing on the same two feet that have carried me through every obstacle I have faced in my 33 years on this planet. I still cry every now and then, randomly at times and at times when I remember certain parts of my life.
I have tried to seek help to no avail, and yet I continually ponder if it is possible to erase a memory. They say to erase a memory do not do things that remind you of a certain time in your life. I say, how is that possible when everything reminds me of that time in my life.
Do I just live with this pain forever in the hope that it goes away over time or do I just end it all now?
I have tried so hard to be normal, to be like everyone else, but I can't. The search for a reason haunts me every day, every single day I wonder why.
I can remember when I would write in my TV room with the smell of weed traveling through the room and the sound of Lo-Fi in the background, my thoughts, tears, and feelings will all be poured onto a page like a glass of juice being filled up.
Sometimes I want to be alone, and when I am alone I am sad. But this is going to sound weird, when I am alone I am sad, and when I am sad I am happy.
I don't understand myself so how can I expect you to understand me.
I need to be away from everything and everyone. Alone, to find myself, to find who I am, to find what I am and why I am here.
What is my purpose, what is my goal? Everywhere I go I make people happy, they love being around me the joy I bring them, the smiles, the laughs, and the happiness but when I retreat to my quarters I am so sad because I do not feel like I have someone to make me happy the way I do to others.
There's a saying "If you do not like being alone, then the person you are being alone with needs work".
I don't believe anyone my age should have gone through everything I have gone through yet here I am, typing away on a blog that no one will ever read.
This is me leaving my little input into a world of darkness, maybe one day in the future someone will read this and I will have helped them conquer their depression, and their feelings and hopefully answer their questions.
To say I miss you hurts, to say I miss certain times in my life hurts, to remember hurts, to close my eyes hurts, I wish I could forget, I wish I could not remember, I wish nothing reminds me of you. I wish I could sleep peacefully at night without waking up to haunting memories of you.
The good and the bad times, no closure here just words and thoughts. I hope one day you remember as I do and I hope that when you do that you finally understand me and what I was about.
But for now...
Leave me here...
ibzzie xx
