applesung

 hello friend. it doesnt feel like i am typing but i am. feels weird right? that this is the life i will be living for ever. i feel so strange like i am going to be forever stuck in a world that continusaly repeats its self and that not matter what happens i will not be able to shake it off. this is like a companion blog. i have to go and figure things out for my self. all i do is live when do i rest am i allowed to rest who says i can and cannot. i think i have a fear of being a failure because all i heard growing up was that i am a faliure and i now know why i am the way i am when it comes to hearing other people feelings its because when i would tell my parents how i felt they would only listen to repsond they would never actually listen to my feelings and try to understand why i am the way i am or try to make me feel better. i remember this now its so clear. remembe rwhen you would tell them that the way you were feeling and they would alwaysing thing you were attachkin them when in facy all i was doing was expressing my emotion and that when i did to that they would always so here we go oh your being this and that and now i do the same thing. jeeeez the after effect your parents have on you is real and ever lastering

$100,00

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still nothing has changed legit she is still the same.

ahh it feels good to write again or is this typing? does this still count? you know what i mean.

its funny how i am wlays trying to change the world its also funny how i get told that i will change the world but when i do try to change the world i get told to stop making people think the way you think.

see the paradox here?

i missed typing my thoughts, i miss the town of sorrow i think this is the same right?

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I am still trying to make it grow. I never know when it will all be gone. What has changed? I have changed. Not mentally but physically. She has stripped me bare. She has taken my flesh, my brain, my soul, and everything else. Not my heart though, see that skeleton up there, that's me. I have kept my heart close, that's the only thing keeping me going, if she takes that, I die. So I will bury it and water it every day. I am just trying to make it grow.

Looking back nothing has changed, she still has the same mindset, same attitude and, same anger. She says it's me, I say it's her. So who is it? The circle comes around in full, when I look at photos of years past the comments and the words are still the same. There is no control nor is there any respect. 

Should I write her a song, would she even care? She has the same personality as the woman who..... well you know who but no matter what I do or achieve she won't be happy, she doesn't know what happiness is, do I blame her? do I blame her past? why not just get the fuck over it and see what is right in front of you. 

If seeing a father and daughter be happy makes you sad because your father was never there for you then won't that also be the case when you become happy now you will start to think about the trauma you had growing up about how you were never happy hence why you cannot show happiness or don't know how to be happy?

ahhhh fuck I'm rambling again, or am I? fuck it let's rhyme, I think it's time.

I don't know how I feel

I can't tell if it's fake or real

you don't know what's the deal

it rains so much outside 

it feels like tears on my window seal

What is luck

is it not what we make it

or am I just star-struck?

wait fuck. 

I was struck 

and now

I'm just stuck 

inside my own walls

that I built

for when I run

out of luck

fuck this it sucks

no music

no creativity

just downright slavery

I see it

they see it

you don't

and you know what

you won't

cause what they wrote

is not what you note

down

no matter what who when where

I wouldn't dare

I would die for you

kill for you

move mountains for you

but next day move ounces

do whatever it takes to make

some ounces, to get paid

don't even get laid

the way I want to

the way we need to

but who knows what

cause at the end of all this

you and I will be nothing but

dust and shit.

how many times do I tell you to let it go

how many times do I tell you to free your mind

free your soul

how many

will you ever let it go

will you ever become me

D R K N Y T

but wait that's my problem

remember

trying so hard to make everyone

around me

like me

but I guess

I have my own way

of changing this world

trying to not make it so cold

tell me what would happen

if your wishes came true 

would you turn blue

would you become you?

I tell you to make it right

before you sleep

before you eat

cause every second that leaves

is a second that you might grieve

what you gonna do when you can't sleep

what you gonna do when you cant eat

what you gonna do when I am not there

to rub your feet

to watch you eat

to help you fall asleep

let it go

cause it has never left

you just have to change

take it out of low range

learn how to shift

learn how to drive stick

fuck it ill go there

go where

go here and there

listen we ain't shit

going to make sure this

doesn't miss

It's a rhyme, not a diss

not everything is an attack

you see that's what you lack

when others write music

those listening realise

that the song its self isn't a hit

but its a bottle holding a message

remember when shit hits hard

when shit I say make you feel scared

just know

that it hurts me more to say it

then the pain you feel

ahhh lost it towards the end

but this is all I have got for now.

nothings changed and nothing ever will.

time heals all wounds

but the wounds don't tell the time

it took to get where i am now its time

for the hook.

ibzzie xx