I am tired of Earth. These people. I am tired of being caught in the tangle of their lives. Every day their seems to be an issue. Every day their seems to be a problem that we cannot shake off. Every day we tune in and absorb this fake information. We change our feelings without being able to talk about our feelings. We conjure up lies and emotions just to make each other feel okay. We try and pursue happiness where happiness doesn't exist, why?. Why do we continue to move around? Why do we push through adversary? Why do we continue to go to a job we hate? What is the purpose of all of this?
What if the meaning of life is find your true self and to no long hide behind a facade of insecurities? I think humans need to be woken up by hard hitting truths from a loved one that would send them through a spiral of denial until they realise what has happened.
I have not written in a very long time. Well I have but not like this. The old school way of having music loud on my TV whilst I sit on the floor and write my thoughts. Write the bleeding words from my heart. I feel like I have been clogged up with so much to say but no one to say it to. You always listen, don't you? I remember when I used to write here no one knew about this, no one had any idea that behind the fake smile, tattoos, cars and everything else I am, that I am just a scared and fragile man who has built this wall around his brain to keep everything and everyone at bay.
Well what happens when the man in question, my self, is on the verge of loosing everything he has. Does he knock these walls of fear down and allow feelings to come in?
I am so good at telling everyone else what to do when they ask for advice. Humans come to me when they need advice, they come to me when they are lost and they come to me to talk. But when I need to talk where do I go? I come here.
Here is my blog. I know no one reads these so I feel happy knowing that my thoughts are out there for anyone to read. It's sort of like a letter in a bottle. You know the one? Where sailors will write a letter and put in a bottle and throw it in water. Some never are found and some are found 1 year to 100 years later. This is what this blog feels like.
8:56pm on the 14th of September 2019. Its a Saturday night. I sit here alone whilst my other half is in the shower. Whilst she ponders about me and about what she is doing with me. Sometimes I ask my self the same question, why is she with me? I am damaged goods. I don't need you to feel sorry for me I just need you to see that when I type here the voice in my head stops. When I am alone with music the voice in my head stops. It feels focused on a common goal, now this goal is to finish this and to write how I am feeling at this very moment.
When I am alone I can hear the sounds of my self inside me talking to my self. I built this voice to help me get through my fears. My fears of being alone. I never had anyone to talk to growing up so I spoke to the only person that was always there, my self.
It actually feels so good to write here, it feels like I am helping my self with every letter I write, with every letter I push on my keyboard I feel re aligned.
Let me tell you how it feels like when I am alone, this is the best way to describe it. Get a pen and a paper. Now from the top of the paper draw a line but move the pen from one side of the paper to the other side of the paper till you get a zig-zag sort of line. Now do another line from the opposite side of the paper with the same zig-zag pattern. If you have done this correctly you should have two zig-zag lines overlapping each other. That's how it feels in my head, it feels confused, fuzzy, disjointed and unaligned.
When I write here I feel that the voice in my head and my actual voice are aligned together. They become one. I feel like I am my self. I am not scared to be here. There is no judgement here. Well I am sure there is by some random that is going to read this but heck! what do I care, I don't know them.
I have never actually explained how it feels to have this voice inside my head. I feel some relief to have actually opened up and explained that.
When I am alone I am scared, I am scared of loss. I am scared of the unknown and even though this whole time you all think I wasn't, that is because of the wall I built to keep the voice at bay.
I need to welcome the fact that I am not sane. I think the big thing for me is knowing I need help but thinking no one can help me except me. I am arrogant to think that anyone out there knows me as well as I know my self and I strongly believe that this is the problem. I am scared of help, I hate to admit that I need help. Because asking for help in some way makes me feel weak, makes me feel that I am not man enough to sort out my own problems.
But what I am being a "man" for? I am no longer single and with the "boys" to have this bravado about me. I know its time for me to change and to no longer hold onto what I am afraid of but to accept it. Accept the fact that its okay to be wrong. Its okay to be scared and its okay to not know it all.
I think also for me I am so ahead a lot of people that I feel when someone says something I dismiss it thinking they know nothing and that I know it all because I have been through so much and that no one can truly understand what I go through every day with the voice in my head.
When that is SO wrong of me. I need to understand and accept the fact that other know more than me and that others will be able to help me. Asking for help isn't weak.
R U OK? I feel so strongly about asking everyone around me that question but I have never stopped and asked my self. I have never looked into my self and tried to sort out my own demons when instead I punish and blame everyone around me which in turn leaves me alone.
A lot of people in my past have said things about me that made me ponder about my flaws and instead of fixing them I became defensive and stubborn and made my self believe that I am right and everyone else around me is an enemy and they are out to get me.
This comes out with tangents of speaking and not making sense, this comes out in ways of my "i don't give a fuck" attitude" and in my persona to other humans.
In fact I give a fuck about a lot of things but I am so scared of admitting it because I feel like I will be judged like less of a man. Crazy aye? I know it is. I know it makes me sound really mentally unstable but I am doing the first thing I think is correct by admitting my faults for the first time in 29 years and now wanting to work towards making my self better. Like fuck me dead I am almost 30, I am not 19 anymore. I have to step up and admit that this voice, my voice has been an issue for me and it has gotten the better of me.
Why though? I have been alone, I mean really alone growing up and this voice helped me. I remember times even when I am with my friends out and about I felt alone. Is this depression? I remember being with them and speaking to my self on the inside thinking about what we are doing at that present time in life. Where are we? Is this what life is? I couldn't help feel sorry for them whilst I was with them. I felt as if they were blind and I was the only one that could see the really issues around us. The real issues that were making the world burn.
Synesthesia - As I write this I have music on. Always when I write I have music on. Not your Katy Perry or Taylor Swift shit I have lo-fi beats on or just beats in general. I feel as the beats progress my writing progresses. You can tell when I get really dramatic in my writing it means the beats have just become really intense and when I get chilled out the beats have mellowed out. I see colours, shapes and stars whenever a 808 kicks, whenever a snare is hit or whenever a drum kick is kicked. I think its amazing I can do all this and all I have to do is close my eyes or even have them opened and just listen.
My other half asked if I wanted a salad. I rejected it. Not because of anything I just have not been hungry today. I might roll up and smoke before I go to sleep but I have barely eaten today. You know the voice feeds on my insides and I feel that when I fast it goes away a bit. I am not feeding the beast.
You know my life humans have gravitated towards me. I have been told that I am special. I have been told that I have a special brain. I know I do and I know that I am. I just cannot be alone because when I am alone as you now know it is not good for me mentally.
Do you think I will look back at this post years from now and reminisce about how I was feeling at the time. Smoking on what I just rolled making me feel healed. Allowing me to cope and write for the very first time in this house just like I used to. High, Music and a computer. Writing my thoughts, writing the pain that is inside me. The pain of living with a voice inside that does't know when to stop. You know I came up with a little rhyme that went like:
"You don't know what goes on up in here (Points to side of head, I smoke all this weed to silence the voices you don't hear"
As I have explained to you before about why I write. Now let me explain to you why I smoke.
I feel that rhyme is the best way to describe why I smoke the reefer. Why combine the both because to me this is pure medicine. Add lo fi beats in the background and I feel like I have a cure. I have not done this in so long that I have been feeling so out of it. You see now next few days I will be 100% fine. No anger, No attitude, No arrogance, No arguments. Until I have to write again. I am going to make this a habit to continue to do this. I am sorry I think this past year has been crazy for you and me and the voice inside. I didn't know that I can actually go sit alone in a room and just type. I always thought I had to be "Around" you know. I feel like cause of you showing me that its okay to do me that i actually can now.
Listen baby, I know you will more than likely read this without me telling you anything, fuck well I hope you do. I know its rough being with me, always with me, always around me. I know its tough. Trust me I do. I know I have said all this before and now your thinking "fuck here we go again" but look at all this I just wrote. I don't even know if half it makes sense its just my rambles. Now ask your self will a sane man do what I just did? Say what I just said and write what i just wrote. The way i wrote.
Know this and know it whatever or forever here's hoping its the latter. I dont love you. I adore you. I am devoted to you. I think the world of you.
Think it aint true?
Well, fuck let me show you.
Written with Sarah Jordan in mind and heart.
ibzzie xx
