What is a ghost? Isn’t it an entity of something that once existed? Can ghosts exist if the human is still alive? Wouldn’t that make it a memory instead? Maybe that’s why they say memories can be haunting. I think a ghost isn’t only something that remains after a human has died, it’s also what remains after they’ve left your life. That’s what a memory is: a ghost of what once was. Maybe that’s what nostalgia really is: that feeling when you remember a scent or a place. Sometimes I see ghosts, and all the time my memories haunt me.

I don’t know why I’m here the way I am. I’m not sure what’s happening to me or why it’s happening, but I feel like there’s no point to it all. You know, this town started in 2008. It was built to house me and my thoughts, away from the world, away from everyone else. I see views on these posts, yet I have no idea who’s reading them. They have no idea who I am.

All the money I have, the cars, the houses, the friends, I still hide away here. In the dark, I type. I type how I really feel. I would have ended my life a long time ago if I weren’t a believer in God. There’s no reason for me to exist here. What is the point of it all?

They say, “If you don’t know, then don’t worry,” but it’s the not knowing that worries me. One day you can have it all, and the next you can have nothing.

There’s nothing that will keep me here, nothing that will make me want to remain anymore. I feel it inside me, I just want to jump and let go, fall all the way and keep falling, hoping no one catches me. I don’t want to be saved. I don’t need saving. You know there’s still pain inside me. The smiles and the happiness are fake. But wait, if they exist, they have to be real, don’t they?

Maybe I’m as real as my reflection. You can see it, but that’s all; you can’t feel it, you can’t touch it. I’m as real as a shadow. It’s there, you can see it, but that’s all you can do. You can’t feel it, nor does it exist in the three-dimensional plane.

That’s the difference between where I am in my head and where I am physically.

I hope that one day everything will make sense. But maybe that day will never come…

ibzzie xx

loud noises

 The loud noises don't stop. How tiring that may be for him, for all of them. I can't help but feel sorry for those that have less than me. Mentally, not physically nor monetary. I tend to melt when i see an old couple walking together or when i look at my parents struggling to do every day things. I cant help that will be me one day, with no one look after me with nothing to look forward too. What I am doing today. As I sit in this cafe, tearsdrip down my face to be caught by my rough beard typing on a laptop that belongs to the man, working for one of the largest comanies in the country yet i still find my self asking "who am i" what am i doing here" why am i here".

Is there a reason i cry when i see someoe else struggle? All i have been seeing is struggle, my whole life. From my own reflection to my own country, to my own people to those around me that i dont even know.

How much longer can i keep this up for. I think I am finally realising my issue. The issue is that i put up a facade to ensure the fake me is projected to the world. I hide away my real feelings, my real pain. I think there is a reason my favourite colour is black.

I miss those days so much. I miss my dogs, I miss my house. I miss everything that I had. I know I will have it again but I had it once and there was no reason for me to loose it all. Its been two years since then. I am not healed. I am far from healed. Do I have to pretend to be healed to make others happy. What is this power I posses. When I am upset the whole world around me is.

I am tired.

It's Been A While...

 

It has been. I am not sure why it has been so long since I have been here. I think maybe becasuse I am happy. I only say maybe because I dont know what happiness feels like. I dont think I do. I thought I knew what happiness was but that hurt me. Now this is happiness but I am confused deep down cause I feel like this might not be the way I am meant to be feeling. Nothing really has changed to be honest. If you think about it what really has changed? My surroundings and my job that's about it. I am meant to feel happy and meant to feel good about where I am right now but how is that possible, how can I be happy and be the way I want to be when all I feel is constant push back.

goodbye friend

 

I am here forever. Stuck with nowhere to go, sometimes I think I am happy to be where I am but in reality, I am not. This fake facade I have up, everyone around me laughs at my jokes, everyone around always says that I am so happy, so funny but really I am always sad, always depressed. I heard that being depressed is the body's way of going into "deep rest" so it can reset and start over from the fake facade we have up constantly.

The majority of comedians suffer from this. They are always funny on stage and in front of people but when they are alone they are the most depressed of humans.

I don't think I can keep going like this, I have to be honest with myself and know that holding back everything and not opening up to those around me is taking its toll.

It's funny how my life takes a turn for the worst and yet here I am, still standing on the same two feet that have carried me through every obstacle I have faced in my 33 years on this planet. I still cry every now and then, randomly at times and at times when I remember certain parts of my life.

I have tried to seek help to no avail, and yet I continually ponder if it is possible to erase a memory. They say to erase a memory do not do things that remind you of a certain time in your life. I say, how is that possible when everything reminds me of that time in my life.

Do I just live with this pain forever in the hope that it goes away over time or do I just end it all now?

I have tried so hard to be normal, to be like everyone else, but I can't. The search for a reason haunts me every day, every single day I wonder why.

I can remember when I would write in my TV room with the smell of weed traveling through the room and the sound of Lo-Fi in the background, my thoughts, tears, and feelings will all be poured onto a page like a glass of juice being filled up.

Sometimes I want to be alone, and when I am alone I am sad. But this is going to sound weird, when I am alone I am sad, and when I am sad I am happy.

I don't understand myself so how can I expect you to understand me.

I need to be away from everything and everyone. Alone, to find myself, to find who I am, to find what I am and why I am here.

What is my purpose, what is my goal? Everywhere I go I make people happy, they love being around me the joy I bring them, the smiles, the laughs, and the happiness but when I retreat to my quarters I am so sad because I do not feel like I have someone to make me happy the way I do to others.

There's a saying "If you do not like being alone, then the person you are being alone with needs work".

I don't believe anyone my age should have gone through everything I have gone through yet here I am, typing away on a blog that no one will ever read. 

This is me leaving my little input into a world of darkness, maybe one day in the future someone will read this and I will have helped them conquer their depression, and their feelings and hopefully answer their questions.

To say I miss you hurts, to say I miss certain times in my life hurts, to remember hurts, to close my eyes hurts, I wish I could forget, I wish I could not remember, I wish nothing reminds me of you. I wish I could sleep peacefully at night without waking up to haunting memories of you. 

The good and the bad times, no closure here just words and thoughts. I hope one day you remember as I do and I hope that when you do that you finally understand me and what I was about.

But for now...

Leave me here...

ibzzie xx

applesung

 hello friend. it doesnt feel like i am typing but i am. feels weird right? that this is the life i will be living for ever. i feel so strange like i am going to be forever stuck in a world that continusaly repeats its self and that not matter what happens i will not be able to shake it off. this is like a companion blog. i have to go and figure things out for my self. all i do is live when do i rest am i allowed to rest who says i can and cannot. i think i have a fear of being a failure because all i heard growing up was that i am a faliure and i now know why i am the way i am when it comes to hearing other people feelings its because when i would tell my parents how i felt they would only listen to repsond they would never actually listen to my feelings and try to understand why i am the way i am or try to make me feel better. i remember this now its so clear. remembe rwhen you would tell them that the way you were feeling and they would alwaysing thing you were attachkin them when in facy all i was doing was expressing my emotion and that when i did to that they would always so here we go oh your being this and that and now i do the same thing. jeeeez the after effect your parents have on you is real and ever lastering

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